Did I live? Did I love? Did I matter? Three questions, I hear, that we ask ourselves before we meet the Grim Reaper. How would you answer those?
When I think about the 2nd question – did I love – the type of love I am thinking about is unconditional love. The kind of love that comes with no conditions – no hurdles that have to be jumped in order to give that love. That type of love for me is extended to my son, close nuclear family (as in mom, dad, 2 sisters, BIL and nieces) and my animals. As hard as I’ve tried to do the same with other people I fall short. It’s not the other people’s fault – it’s my own. For me, loving someone unconditionally also means letting them into your inner sanctum.
I have tried that several times. Once with ex hubby #2 – then with 3 close friends. All ended with me being stabbed not only in the back, but the heart. For self-preservation I’ve kept people at arms length. Will I forever be like that? I doubt it. The 4 stabs took place over the last 5 years. This too shall pass and eventually I’ll let someone in.
But my standoffish way that I am, I believe that keeps me from saying yes to #1. I don’t sit around and wait. I’m not good at that. But I don’t go out and have fun either. I’ve been in a town for 10 years and have not made one friend. What does that tell you?
So as I’m on this path of self-discovery, all areas of my life need to be rethought and let go of. Yes – letting go. When I was a kid I was good at that. But as an adult I’m a planner. I love to have things mapped out. It hasn’t really worked. I mean some things have worked out – but for the most part – nadda.
That is why not only am I teaching people how to “go with the flow” I’m rediscovering how to myself. As children we all go with the flow. We have no big plans. We eat, play with our friends, build really cool forts and let our imagination run wild. That’s what I have been doing.
And why I haven’t been writing in my blogs.
Despite the problems of last week (if you didn’t know you’d have to either listen to the podcast or the radio show), my life is still heading in the direction I mentioned last month. I’m not trying to change it – not trying to shift the course. I hear Joshua tell me to do or not do something – I just listen. So far none of my decisions have been met with the “uncertainty” one feels when you step out of the flow.
Now mind you – it’s not going exactly the way I want it – but I haven’t been too great on picking things that are good for me. LOL.
What does my above confession mean to you?
It goes back to the first 3 questions I started the blog with today. If you cannot answer yes to all three, then you are not in the flow. <—-light bulb moment. Seriously. I didn’t realize that answering yes to the 3 questions = being in the flow until this moment. There’s “knowing” and there’s KNOWING. I’m now the CAPITAL one 🙂
Let your life flow so that you can answer 3 yeses in a row!
I’m having a lot of “ah ha” moments lately – and I love having them.
I am doing my own new web site – allietheiss.com. I promise it will not be as confusing as gypsyadvice.com. In fact – if you’ve been to GA lately – I’ve been cutting things out left and right. I plan on putting more on the chopping block later this week. My hope is to have the new site done by mid Oct with GA being gone by Nov.
Of course this means this blog will be gone as well. But don’t you fear — I will be starting a new blog. New life = new site = new blog.
I’ve been giving 2nd thoughts to canning the Ask Allie podcast. I like the podcast. I’ll just flow with it and see what happens 🙂
Off to do some sex coaching homework.