I normally do not post all what I see or hear as I like to keep some things private. But my guide, Robert, says it is VERY important that I post this whole session in it’s entirety. I don’t know why – part of me feels really uncomfortable to do so. But there must be a reason.
I have been pushed all morning to start this session. I kept ignoring the call as I was more annoyed than anything else. When I enter into this session, I am immediately taken to the old, blue farmhouse. On the front porch sits Ted. His hands sit clasped, on his knees – his mind elsewhere. He sees me – smiles and stands. I’ve been waiting for you — he says. But why – I ask? We need to talk. About what. I say with some doubt it my voice.
He takes my hand and says — walk with me. We enter into the apple orchard. The trees are in bloom — it’s quite beautiful. Off to the side – I can hear Robert (my guide) saying that this is important for me to get this conversation down:
T – He won’t include me.
T – Bill, he refuses to give me your number. He won’t listen to anything I say.
M – Did he let you read the letter?
T – Yes, he did. At first I was in shock. I sat there as if someone just shot me. I had an enormous pain escape — when I read your words. He wanted me to disprove it – wanted me to denounce what you said. But I couldn’t. I knew this was truth. This pissed him off. He couldn’t rationally understand how this can be possible. He’s going on and on and on — trying to think things out, to find a logical place
for everything. I tell him to shut up. He doesn’t listen. I left the room, grabbed a cigarette to go outside.
M – Why didn’t he want you to believe this?
T – (a big sigh). He doesn’t want me anywhere near you. If I didn’t believe you — then he could have you all to himself, once he thought everything through.
M – That could take years.
T – he laughs. Isn’t that the truth? He also has a problem with you throwing a wrench into his well-thought out life — his plans. You are not logical — all of this just doesn’t sit well or feel comfortable in his mind.
I stop walking – I take my hand away and look into Ted’s eyes.
M – what are you going to do?
He cups my face in his hands.
T – love you forever
He gives me a very sweet and loving kiss.
I pull away. For some reason I’m crying.
M – What about Bill?
T – He won’t bring us together.
M – That’s just your doubt talking. He’ll come through — I know he will. He can’t let this rest.
T – No, he won’t let it rest. It’ll fester in his mind for years. While I try to find you — and I will. Outside — that day. I remembered it all. My drawings, the past — the pain, love, heartache – all of it. God I need you.
M – How are you gong to find me?
T – TV.
M – TV?
T – yes, I’ll see you on TV and that’s how I’ll find you.
I can see a light in the background. Ted kisses me.
T – I have to go now.
M – don’t give up on me.
T – I never will.
And he leaves – the light fades and I’m in this orchard now by myself. I sit down and lean against a trunk. Bill shows up – right in my face. He wipes tears from my cheeks. Why are you doing this? I ask. Because — I don’t know what to do — he replies. I’m scared – he says. You have to bring us together I say — all 3 of us. The triad needs to reform. Softly he says — I’m sorry. Then he fades from view and here I am.
Robert arrives and holds out his hands. He helps me up. Why I ask – why are they doing this to me? I don’t get it? It’s not you Robert says — they each have issues of their own to work out — as do you. Now what’s wrong with me? Robert chuckles — there’s nothing wrong. It’s my job to make sure you are ready. I say — ready for what? The fishbowl he says. Now get back to work! With that he fades from view as I’m yelling – what was so important about that conversation???? I hear Robert say — he loves you – take down your wall.
Then I’m done.
I must admit — days like this I am half tempted to turn into an alcoholic, just to forget, if only for a while. Especially since Bill has really been in my face since I woke up. I mean “RIGHT THERE” without giving me much breathing room. Makes it difficult to get anything done.
(SIGH) Well, for better or worse — there it is. Not sure why I had to post the whole thing……but what the hell – right?
On an up note — my script. “The Black Triangle” has made it into the top finalists for the Roy W Dean writing grant – 1st time for that 😉 This was a pleasant surprise!
Have a great day!