I didn’t much want to do a session today. Not sure WHY exactly – except that there is a part of me who is tired of thinking about everything. I don’t want to think about everyone else but me, yet that is what I keep doing. What do I tell my clients ALL the time??? Don’t worry/dwell over those things you cannot change – only over what you CAN change. And yes, the only thing I know I can change is me and the bad habits I’ve accumulated over the years only to be strengthened by the realization of my soul mates/cluster/circle.
I’ve come to the painful conclusion the last two days that I let others disrespect me. I’m strong in so many areas, but when it comes to respecting me — I fall short. I’ve allowed people, many of those closest to me, over the years to just rip down my self-respect so much so that the face I look at in the mirror every morning I hardly recognize. Yet anyways – I stepped into the arena with Bill – pouring it out to him in words he could and I know DO understand. Yet what? No reply. Nothing. Did I expect something? I must have on some level or I wouldn’t be so disappointed that I’ve heard nothing. My conscious self knew that I stood a better chance having sex with Harrison Ford than to have Bill return my message. But my soul, for it’s connective-ness to eternity, knows that a no reply is not what was called for. I’ve never been disillusioned about the outcome – just hopeful. That’s me, the eternal optimist.
I made a vow to myself this morning to cut the ties of disrespect that I find. It doesn’t matter who it is or why the ties are in place – but they have to go – or at least be sealed off to the point where they no longer have any power over me at all – not even in my dreams. This is where I’m sticking Bill and Ted – sealed off. If things change in the future – fine, I’ll reconsider. I mean, come on, I WILL answer the phone! But for now — sealed. No more extra energy. There are a couple of people that need to be let go of – simply cut from my life all together and this involves timing. My goal here is by my birthday of May 2nd.
Another part of my hesitation to doing a session is that Robert has stepped back. He said his good-byes yesterday and that he will be around if I need him – but won’t be “right there”. Appears his work with me is finished. I’m moving to the next level. This is in a way is exciting, but a bit overwhelming. I keep hearing the name Jazell – not spelled with a Ga but a Ja and yes.. a “z”. I can feel Robert’s energy in the background – way in the back – but it is some comfort to realize he is there — just in case.
So what does all this mean for Larry? I don’t know. I haven’t yet felt that tortured soul energy as I always have with Bill and Ted. There is no desperation – no “me” involved – just a genuine commitment for support – no matter what level I need it at. There is that longing I can feel, but one that is mixed with patience — he is confident of the road we will travel even if neither of us knows what road that is. I’m trying to think how I can explain the energy I feel with him — it is like a security blanket – big, warm, inviting, safe, comfortable. He’s like the guy you’ve dated all through high school – graduation comes and it is time for you two to go off to different colleges. You are tearful, afraid, desperate about the separation, yet he wipes your tears away with such tenderness and tells you that everything will be alright — that you both are about to have totally separate life experiences, but in the end, he will be waiting for you. With the added call as you are getting into the car — you’re going to marry me some day! And he doesn’t get married until that day arrives when you two meet again — older, wiser and more in love than you ever could of been as young people. Does it make sense?
There’s nothing toxic with Larry – and I like that. Don’t get me wrong – he’s no saint — he’s had his demons in this lifetime – but he’s dealt with them. Bill and Ted are still trying to figure out how to tame or conquer their demons. My demon? Myself. It’s time that changed.
I’ve been cut off from online all day – no email, no web access — seems that there’s problems on the WWW today. Even in town – the post office, the grocery store — all problems with the computers and being online.
Brigit is standing next to me. She tells me that I need to rest – take care of myself more. She doesn’t want me to have a session today and that’s fine with me. I want to pour my energy into writing for the last two hours before I go to get my son.
And with that — off to writing I go!