I wasn’t really sure what I was going to get for today’s session. My day started off rather like crap – still in that funky – heart hurting mood. Last night was horrible – so horrible in fact that I want to drink a bottle of bourbon…..I HATE bourbon. But, I did nothing but cry and then go to bed.
There really isn’t anything that should have set me off – just a very heavy heart and emptiness. I can feel my own (which is a burden as is) – plus I can feel Bill and Ted. I sobbed a good portion of last night. What triggered it was catching a bit of “Dead Like Me”. It’s a show on Showtime about a group of people who are Grim Reapers. One guy had to go and get an 80 something year old nudist and take him to the other side. The old man was commenting on how his beloved Betty passed away 7 years earlier. He missed her something fierce. The thought flashed through my mind as what would happen if one of them passed away before I could say anything to them? I’d be so upset. So – I’m in the process of planning something. Not telling what or when – until I get details ironed out. But this has been an especially hard week dealing with the physical separation. Not sure why. But I can’t wait until it passes.
Me sad and crying? Very-very un-Allie like!
Everything was jumbled in today’s session – it was odd – and I don’t remember most of it.
There was Bill at some work function. I was standing off in the distance, watching. When he walked over, grabbed my hand and pulled me in front of the cameras.
Then I cut to him picking me up in the airport – very tearful – very loving.
That fades from view and I am kissing him back in our past lives of him being a cowboy & I his wife. We are at the same fence – he has again had to repair it. He’s very thin, worn out. I kiss him, he’s very happy to see me, but I’m a bit stand offish on him. It cuts to me being at a baby’s grave. Our baby girl, who died after birth. I’m heartbroken and crying. He is off in the distance, watching me cry – not knowing what to do to help.
I then flash to when I was driving a car, drunk, pregnant and just found out that Bill died at the start of the Vietnam war. The pit in my stomach as the car is falling off the road and into the water below. I am drowning – I can feel the burning in my chest, the God awful pain. I ask not to be here.
I wind up in my meadow – naked. I ask for some clothing and I have a white robe on, very soft, very silky. I see a bright light – I don’t know who it is. But I ask for me to see something positive. I’m tired of the pain and sadness. I request that the pain that came over me last night be gone and not allowed to come back. Since it was a combination of my pain, Bill’s and Ted’s it was very overwhelming. Something is said to me – I don’t know what.
Next thing I know Ted has my hands and he is gently pushing me back onto a pile wildflowers. Every so tender – he kisses me. Unfortunately, I remember nothing else until I wake up in a huge four-poster bed, in Ted’s arms. Me as Joan of Arc and he as the priest. He was tailing his index finger up and over my bare shoulder. I remember feeling the chills go up my spine. Then he smiles. Damn him and that smile. No matter what life we’re in – his smile is drop dead gorgeous.
I move to me – I think Mexican, in clothes – not of the poor, but not of the rich either. I have a basket full of bread. I’m barefoot and walking through a square. It’s a sunny day – I’m happy. Bill and Ted just appear in from of me and offer to carry the basket.
Flash to present time – we are in the same square, but as we are today. We are looking at a map. Bill is talking to someone in fluent Spanish. His voice is very excited.
Still in the present – like today – I can see Bill sitting in a chair – eyes closed saying “come to me”. The day fast forwards and he is in a meeting – lost in thought. Someone asks him a question and he whispers “come to me” – the other people are confused – he’s embarrassed and apologizes.
I’m being pulled out of meditation – but as I am, I can hear his voice saying again “come to me”.
It’s a week like this that I long to be “normal” and not have any memories, no gifts – nothing. Just go through life as a mom. But that would never work as I would always feel something missing.
Had some major lightning this morning. Knocked out my power and screwed with the computer! I’m way behind schedule today!