Ian buzzes by once. Buzzes by twice. Buzzes by a third time with no end in sight. Unlike Bill, Ted, Will and the gang whose energy is a constant part of my system – Ian keeps flying by. It’s almost as if he is window shopping to see if I’m the right person. Yes I am. No I’m not. Yes I am. The madness goes on.

It’s not just when I’m awake and doing what I do daily. It’s also at night when I’m dreaming. I’ll have a solid dream visit with him. Then it ends abruptly. I’m in a visit with someone else – out of the corner of my eye there he is! Or playing a prominent role in the background. I wake up with all these images of him weaving in and out.

Plus – I keep having to listen to “My Immortal” by Evanescence. I like the song. I’ve listened to it dozens of times prior to yesterday and today. But now I have to keep listening it over and over. There’s a message in here for me in regards to Ian that I’m not getting yet:

I’m so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears

And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave

Your presence still lingers here and it won’t leave me alone

These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real

There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears

When you’d scream, I’d fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me by your resonating light

Now, I’m bound by the life you left behind

Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams

Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me

(From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/e/evanescence-lyrics/my-immortal-lyrics.html)

These wounds won’t seem to heal, this pain is just too real

There’s just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears

When you’d scream, I’d fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me

I’ve tried so hard to tell myself that you’re gone

But though you’re still with me, I’ve been alone all along

When you cried, I’d wipe away all of your tears

When you’d scream, I’d fight away all of your fears

And I held your hand through all of these years

But you still have all of me, me, me

I keep “seeing” him staring at me – saying “you’re real” and “here you are” over and over again. He’s confused yet thrilled. Me – I’m staring at him like – what in the hell just happened? It’s like he comes out of left field in a totally unexpected place. It’s outdoors – by a cafe. I’m with a group of people talking, having a good time. Then BOOM there he is.

It’s such a surreal feeling. Weird…

This is going to be interesting. I just know it!

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